A Slave Without A Master

Once I accept that I am utterly unable to conceive of, let alone create and sustain, that which is without flaw, which is the nobler choice; to abstain from action and thereby avoid polluting the world with more garbage that only supports my desire to feel significant or to act out of a genuine responsibility to others and thereby choose to live in the constant knowledge that what I have created possibly adds to the confusion?

Both paths may be paved with authenticity but each may also lead to delusion. I am not sure why I feel uneasy, perhaps even guilty, about embracing the type of Christianity I desire to be a part of. I think that if I enjoy it, derive some comfort and meaning from it, that it must be wrong. Not only do I want the Real, I must have it in a real way. How can one hope to truly see the Divine through broken glasses? It is not on my terms that such glory will be revealed but rather it takes commitment, patience and yes, even discomfort before one can experience it.

I don't want to make my best guess and then leap just to move away from my present circumstances instead of making a movement in genuine faith. Although Peter, distressed by the implications of Jesus' message declared, "where else shall we go, You, only, have the words of eternal life." Perhaps one can be as genuine in the desire to believe as in belief itself. Strangely enough, sometimes I feel as if I have already moved into His house but haven't yet acknowledged the relationship. I talk to Him, occasionally but always under the guise of conversing with myself and yet I do not pray. I feel as though I am preparing for work without seeking employment. I experience all the anguish and exhaustion but with none of the promised joy, rest and security. I am a slave without a master.

I realize that my analysis of the faith only takes me so far. But it is just beyond my meticulous plan for truth that Truth actually lies. I can sketch it out no further yet I cannot move forward without the light of conviction. Thus, I am left with one option, to call on the spirit to guide me into all truth. But it is from this choice that I shrink back. To relinquish the reigns of my life is the ultimate test of faith--a faith which I do not yet possess.