No Redemption, Only Regrets

I see myself falling into the same trap. I feel the guilt returning and with it my attempts to achieve holiness through my own efforts. I know where this leads, to despair and a desperate call for grace. I am a fool. Jeremy made an excellent point, one that has come back to me several times since we last met. He remarked that my desire to exercise humility is pointless without Christ. He assured me that if he were without Christ, he would not waste his time using the servant's entrance.

Despite this, I am convinced that I have had a hand in my own undoing; therefore, I am compelled to find a way to redeem myself. Yet, I am quickly realizing that my endeavors may be quite in vain for the I have lost more than my faith. I have lost time and with it possibly the opportunity to fulfill a deep and persistent calling that has followed me through my various uturns and denials.

I fear that I have had my chance, just like Saul who was granted the kingdom, hailed by the people and annointed by God only to lose his crown to a shepard boy. I could have spoken the words of life with passion and conviction to a dying world but I choose instead to replay to myself the condescending mantra of intellectual suffering. I could have submitted myself to one greater who could have shown me the way to walk on the narrow path but I choose instead to stubbornly saunter into the thicket. No wonder I can't help myself, I must first be saved from myself.

I feel the urgency of a fire burning within me, yet the more I run, the more disoriented I become. I know where I should be but I have no way of getting there. I am lost--sadly an acknowledgement that is as useless to me as the man who realizes his own mortality the moment before he dies. No redemption comes from such realizations, only regret.

Though, if I miraculously found my way, I am unsure that I could live again in the light of the Real. I wouldn't know how to live for my every thought, every action and intention would be exposed for what it really was--a pathetic attempt to ensure my own salvation at the least possible cost to me.