I've hit restaurant row and I'm circling the parking lot but I am not sure that I'm even hungry. I get so easily distracted. I have forgotten the desperate starvation I felt just a few weeks ago and as soon as I got a whiff of what's on the menu, I got finicky, turning my nose up at the very same meal I was willing to work hard to get. I guess all I really want is a smell in my nostrils and a taste in my mouth to keep me occupied; a morsel to chew on without the hassle of including meaning on the menu.
I am studying for qualifying exams so I have temporarily left Merton; but I keep him on my night table as a reminder each night before I go to bed that I may be distracted by not satisfied. It's just a rest stop on the journey. As faithful, he never allows me to sleep soundly but I don't want soundly anyway, I want deeply in sleep as well as in waking.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Tending Not To Tend
It is true that I am searching for a perfect version of Christianity; I can admit that. On the one hand I realize the futility, even the danger, of pursuing such a course, while on the other, I see it as a holy duty, the fulfillment of a promise I once made. The existing models don't work, not because they fail to get results but because they are results oriented.
The most popular model of church is one in which a pastor, usually trained and ordained, shepherds his/her congregation by preaching to them in a one-sided dialogue for anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour. The pastor may not interact with a particular member of the congregation at another time or any other way over the course of several months until the obligatory harvest picnic. In churches where the congregation is unusually large, the contact with the pastor may only be possible via a video screen. This can hardly be viewed as effective shepherding.
In business, supervisors are usually limited in the amount of people they can effectively manage; anymore than seven and the supervisor risks allowing an employee to slip through the cracks, missing vital performance indicators. If this is the case in business, where cost is the ultimate determiner of practice, how can churches, where the quality of discipleship should be paramount, allow pastors to oversee huge congregations?
Sermonizing has become the modus operendi for most shepherds and because of the impersonal nature of the act, pastors are forced to provide practical steps for implementation at the end of each sermon otherwise the congregation has no idea what to do with what's been said. But it is not that the word, which does not return void, is effective, it is the fact that there is no one of mature status to guide that Christian on how to apply it in their particular situation. Instead of living one-on-one with the person, getting to know their particular needs and struggles and mentoring them in the way they should go, a general word is pronounced from the pulpit and people take from it what they think they need or want to listen to with little or no accountability.
Sermons become instructional guides to living--following these steps to fix your marriage, forgive your neighbor and manage your money. Instead of building people who see the world through Christ's perspective and who are therefore better able to make the choices that genuinely glorify God, pastors create two categories, the obedient and the disobedient, neither of which have any correlation to a life committed to Christ.
This approach is all wrong. Stewardship is preached as a substitute to pursuing Christ. It amounts to instructing a thief on how to spend his ill-gotten gains for the furtherance of the kingdom. Because they only have a few minutes to speak into peoples' lives, pastors feel they can only address the symptoms and not the disease or they simply diagnosis it as sin, like the common cold, a give people a laundry list of ways to prevent it.
Jesus took only twelve disciples and walked with them, ate with them, lived with them closely for three years. He loved them, guided them and at times rebuked them so that when He left they would be able to faithfully carrying on his work. True shepherds know their sheep and are willing to lay down their lives for them, not in principle but in the genuine knowledge of those look to them for direction.
The most popular model of church is one in which a pastor, usually trained and ordained, shepherds his/her congregation by preaching to them in a one-sided dialogue for anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour. The pastor may not interact with a particular member of the congregation at another time or any other way over the course of several months until the obligatory harvest picnic. In churches where the congregation is unusually large, the contact with the pastor may only be possible via a video screen. This can hardly be viewed as effective shepherding.
In business, supervisors are usually limited in the amount of people they can effectively manage; anymore than seven and the supervisor risks allowing an employee to slip through the cracks, missing vital performance indicators. If this is the case in business, where cost is the ultimate determiner of practice, how can churches, where the quality of discipleship should be paramount, allow pastors to oversee huge congregations?
Sermonizing has become the modus operendi for most shepherds and because of the impersonal nature of the act, pastors are forced to provide practical steps for implementation at the end of each sermon otherwise the congregation has no idea what to do with what's been said. But it is not that the word, which does not return void, is effective, it is the fact that there is no one of mature status to guide that Christian on how to apply it in their particular situation. Instead of living one-on-one with the person, getting to know their particular needs and struggles and mentoring them in the way they should go, a general word is pronounced from the pulpit and people take from it what they think they need or want to listen to with little or no accountability.
Sermons become instructional guides to living--following these steps to fix your marriage, forgive your neighbor and manage your money. Instead of building people who see the world through Christ's perspective and who are therefore better able to make the choices that genuinely glorify God, pastors create two categories, the obedient and the disobedient, neither of which have any correlation to a life committed to Christ.
This approach is all wrong. Stewardship is preached as a substitute to pursuing Christ. It amounts to instructing a thief on how to spend his ill-gotten gains for the furtherance of the kingdom. Because they only have a few minutes to speak into peoples' lives, pastors feel they can only address the symptoms and not the disease or they simply diagnosis it as sin, like the common cold, a give people a laundry list of ways to prevent it.
Jesus took only twelve disciples and walked with them, ate with them, lived with them closely for three years. He loved them, guided them and at times rebuked them so that when He left they would be able to faithfully carrying on his work. True shepherds know their sheep and are willing to lay down their lives for them, not in principle but in the genuine knowledge of those look to them for direction.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Myself Fulfilling Prophecy
I am unable to live in the moment. Every sliver of time I experience is analyzed and either remolded to create a unified past or cast forward in an attempt to illuminate the future. Each one of my decisions, my movements, even my musings are means to an unseen but yet desirable end. Merton warns of dangers of excessive self analysis arguing that being oneself is more toward the ideal than simply knowing oneself.
I am unable to find contentment. I am constantly reminded of what I do not have and thereby what I need to obtain while at the same time realizing the futility of my efforts to attain it. Not because it cannot be attained, I have too many examples of those who have been able to possess it, but because I, myself, do not exhibit the attributes that would ensure that my efforts, rather than my intentions, were be rewarded
I am unable to find peace. I long to be away from all this societal stimulation, flashing its unattainable wares in my face, distracting me from finding my true self. I just want to enjoy the water; I don’t want to be drawn in any direction by the current. Of course, the irony is that I desire more than anything to be in the current and that where I am now provides me the greatest opportunity for contentment outside the norm—but I refuse to take it because I know that I did not break free from the current but rather have always found myself lost at sea—I have never been strong enough to survive, let alone succeed, in the current.
I would rather have been rich and given my possessions to the poor in order to be poor than to have only known poverty. I want to be humble, but what is the value of humility if one has never experienced or has no basis for personal pride. I would gladly choose to be the world’s refuse and turn my back on all that is worshiped by my peers if only I could believe that I am not already such. To put this into perspective, I am on vacation in Hawaii.
I am unable to find contentment. I am constantly reminded of what I do not have and thereby what I need to obtain while at the same time realizing the futility of my efforts to attain it. Not because it cannot be attained, I have too many examples of those who have been able to possess it, but because I, myself, do not exhibit the attributes that would ensure that my efforts, rather than my intentions, were be rewarded
I am unable to find peace. I long to be away from all this societal stimulation, flashing its unattainable wares in my face, distracting me from finding my true self. I just want to enjoy the water; I don’t want to be drawn in any direction by the current. Of course, the irony is that I desire more than anything to be in the current and that where I am now provides me the greatest opportunity for contentment outside the norm—but I refuse to take it because I know that I did not break free from the current but rather have always found myself lost at sea—I have never been strong enough to survive, let alone succeed, in the current.
I would rather have been rich and given my possessions to the poor in order to be poor than to have only known poverty. I want to be humble, but what is the value of humility if one has never experienced or has no basis for personal pride. I would gladly choose to be the world’s refuse and turn my back on all that is worshiped by my peers if only I could believe that I am not already such. To put this into perspective, I am on vacation in Hawaii.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Perhaps I am not My Own
"To be all things to all men that I may save some;" it is by far St. Paul's most disappointing verse in my mind because it has been the mantra of countless seeker-sensitive churches. I much preferred the unequivocal, "I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself would not lose the prize." But these two very Pauline verses are more alike than they appear at first glance for both speak of St. Paul's legendary commitment to preaching the gospel. What results is that he is prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure the promulgation of the gospel even if that means beating his body into submission.
So many have read that verse and assumed that it meant abstaining from carnal desires such as sexual cravings and laziness and no doubt that is part of its meaning. However, I see a deeper connection between the two verses, one that further illumines the extent to which one needs to have mastery over the body.
What if by beating his body into submission, Paul was able to be all things to all men. He was a Pharisee and a learned man, yet he preached to the Gentiles. Paul must have been way out of his comfort zone to go where most apostles hesitated to tread at first. Perhaps beating his body meant giving up his preferred method of communicating and understanding God. If so, then in my zealous study of all things Pauline, I missed one of the central message of his ministry. It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me--I am not my own.
So many have read that verse and assumed that it meant abstaining from carnal desires such as sexual cravings and laziness and no doubt that is part of its meaning. However, I see a deeper connection between the two verses, one that further illumines the extent to which one needs to have mastery over the body.
What if by beating his body into submission, Paul was able to be all things to all men. He was a Pharisee and a learned man, yet he preached to the Gentiles. Paul must have been way out of his comfort zone to go where most apostles hesitated to tread at first. Perhaps beating his body meant giving up his preferred method of communicating and understanding God. If so, then in my zealous study of all things Pauline, I missed one of the central message of his ministry. It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me--I am not my own.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Paths to Purpose
I am feeling nothing. I thought I was going somewhere, moving toward something but like closing my eyes after spinning in circles, the motion I felt was an illusion. I've returned to strategizing about my life, seeking out other paths to purpose. I don't want this to become another pursuit, another well-thought out process that achieves a certain end. If I proceed, I want to do it for the experience itself. I must refrain from formulating the end before I start; it will only lead to disappointment and disillusionment.
Focusing on the present has been interpreted by many as being shallow and narcissistic--only living for the moment. Yet it must be even more narcissistic to prostitute every moment to some particular end that fulfills a loftier purpose. This approach leaves no room for a genuine experience of the now. There is an important difference between doing everything for a purpose and doing everything for one purpose.
Focusing on the present has been interpreted by many as being shallow and narcissistic--only living for the moment. Yet it must be even more narcissistic to prostitute every moment to some particular end that fulfills a loftier purpose. This approach leaves no room for a genuine experience of the now. There is an important difference between doing everything for a purpose and doing everything for one purpose.
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