Myself Fulfilling Prophecy

I am unable to live in the moment. Every sliver of time I experience is analyzed and either remolded to create a unified past or cast forward in an attempt to illuminate the future. Each one of my decisions, my movements, even my musings are means to an unseen but yet desirable end. Merton warns of dangers of excessive self analysis arguing that being oneself is more toward the ideal than simply knowing oneself.

I am unable to find contentment. I am constantly reminded of what I do not have and thereby what I need to obtain while at the same time realizing the futility of my efforts to attain it. Not because it cannot be attained, I have too many examples of those who have been able to possess it, but because I, myself, do not exhibit the attributes that would ensure that my efforts, rather than my intentions, were be rewarded

I am unable to find peace. I long to be away from all this societal stimulation, flashing its unattainable wares in my face, distracting me from finding my true self. I just want to enjoy the water; I don’t want to be drawn in any direction by the current. Of course, the irony is that I desire more than anything to be in the current and that where I am now provides me the greatest opportunity for contentment outside the norm—but I refuse to take it because I know that I did not break free from the current but rather have always found myself lost at sea—I have never been strong enough to survive, let alone succeed, in the current.

I would rather have been rich and given my possessions to the poor in order to be poor than to have only known poverty. I want to be humble, but what is the value of humility if one has never experienced or has no basis for personal pride. I would gladly choose to be the world’s refuse and turn my back on all that is worshiped by my peers if only I could believe that I am not already such. To put this into perspective, I am on vacation in Hawaii.