The Id and the I Am

I had my second session with Rev. Linda this morning. I showed up on time, instead of 15 minutes early, which is indicative of my lack of enthusiasm for the meeting. I felt unprepared and unmoved but of course, I can ramble just as good as any other self-obsessed megalomaniac that gets high off of hearing his own abstract vocabulary on rotation. So I bantered for a few minutes until I was able to pick up on a theme that tied together my scattered observations of the last month.

It seems that I am searching for authentic Christianity, one that has an evangelical hermeneutic combined with a postmodern ethic. I want certainty without judgementalism, love without relativism and wonder without ignorance. That is why I often find myself interested in the lives of high profile Christians. I want to investigate how they live out their faith and, more importantly, if they are able to do so consistently. Anyone can conceive of the ideal, but few can live it and Christianity is a system that is best practiced live. But so many fall short and although I know that this is a function of human frailty and finitude, it still irks me that the majority of people who profess to know the mind of God can still live steeped in so much mundanity.

The irony of my quest for authentic Christianity is that even if I were able to find it and could unpack it, I would be least likely of all to be able to live it. This authentic Christianity is like a beautiful young woman who is most desirable whilst her virginity is intact. To try to live this ideal would be to reveal the sheer impossibility of such an endeavor but maybe this is what Christ meant to demonstrate in the Sermon on the Mount. I recall one of Frank's co-pastors interpreting the narrow gate verse this way, "the road is narrow because without grace few are able to live it." Of course that leaves the possibility open for some, Mother Teresa, The Dalai Lama, etc. but for the majority of us, authentic communion with the Divine seems only possible through grace.

But as Bonhoeffer points out, this grace is not cheap. The truth is, I have found examples of authentic Christianity, aside from negligible human flaws, I just know that I could never live those lives. I am frustrated by my utter inability to attain to greatness--to walk that narrow path upright and on my own two feet. Rev. Linda says that my problem is sin, more accurately, my obsession with the problem of evil. She went out to suggest that because my problem is actually a conglomeration of several different issues, self-loathing, fear, hurt and intellectual angst, that I should consider seeing a spiritual counselor. In line with this suggestion, she is going to investigate some retreat options for me. Maybe this will all lead me to where I should have started to begin with--a psychologist. My malaise is as psychological as it is spiritual.

As an aside to our meeting, I asked Rev. Linda if she loved Christ. To my relief and amazement, she did not immediately respond but sat back in her chair and contemplated the question, then, after several moments, answered, "I feel more comfortable saying that I know that I am loved by Him." It is in these quirky answers and insights that I begin to see shafts of light in the darkness. I can walk forward guided by these flashes, although blindly, in the hope that I will not have to turn back into the dessert from whence I came.