Bedside Manner

A few posts ago I wondered if I would return to Merton or not; I have and with my return has come a resurgence of sensitivity to my now defunct calling. Merton in a paraphrasing of 1 Corinthians 15:50 explains that, "God sometimes gives Himself to us where He seems to be taken away."

I have drawn the parallel between my current life outside the church and the time both Jesus and especially Paul spent in the desert, but it didn't quite fit. In both cases they were actively and consciously preparing for their respective missions whereas I, especially in the beginning, had not such thought or goal in mind. Even now the future seems unclear in this respect; it has not so much been a dark night of the soul as it is has been a silent void for me, without feeling rather than the intense pain often associated with spiritual longing.

Could it be that even through my coma, He has been speaking to me, repairing my soul like a faithful friend by my bedside? The idea intrigues me. I am so compartmentalized sometimes and fail to see movement that lies beyond my two eyes. I still don't know but the thought that I somehow remain in the hands of the Master even though I have left the field and turned in my tools is comforting. At the risk of sounding Calvinistic, I have heard it said that God does not remove His calling from us but rather we remove ourselves from His calling. He does not retract; we deny. For now, I am thoroughly convinced of at least half of that statement.