Too Much Time on My Hands

I was contacted by the professor in charge of my doctoral program at Drexel that I passed my qualifying exam. My dubious efforts on the offending essay I spoke about in the last post actually garnered me a 'pass with honors,' the highest grade one can receive for an answer. Despite the spotlight that the instance cast on me and my questionable pursuits, now that they are over I will calmly return to the path I was on and slip back into the stupor--that is, until the next detour.

With the passing of the test, I have a little more time on my hands. Really I don't, I should be working on my proposal, what I mean to say is that I have more freedom to choose what I do with my time. Some of that freedom will undoubtedly be used to 'fritter away the hours in a offhand way,' but that goes without saying. The better question to ponder is what will I do with my time when I am energized and motivated.

People normally think of motivation as specific but for me, motivation often takes the form of a general mandate, an increase in the DEFCON level if you will, to improve myself, to move myself further down the road but that motivation never includes an definite destination. Its like the old phrase, 'you don't have to go home, but you can't say here.' Motivation is synonymous with irritation for me. Sometimes that irritation leads to healing and sometimes to more pointless suffering.

That is why I writing this morning and why I went to the Evangelical Lutheran church last weekend (it was disappointing, an uncomfortable mixture of high church and contemporary elements, neither of which the congregation seemed to be much into), I want to be intentionally. But there are so many choices. Should I through myself into academia, business or back into Merton. At some level I believe and desire to be in all three, but such a course usually prevents me from doing any with much success. Good think I have a lot of time on my hands to contemplate it some more.