A Little Background to My Present Circumstances

I was wondering today how I had gotten to this point. I thought I was fine, well, content to suffer in a universe without a God. But it all started a few months ago, perhaps even a long as a year; it began with spontaneous crying jags. It wasn't crying really, more like tears welling up at the oddest moments. Looking back now, the usually trigger seemed to an instance where someone tried (and often failed) to overcome their circumstances, a old man walking with a cane, a duck trying to corral its young and any song about such circumstances. It was baffling but I took no real notice of it; I figured it was just a another stage in my increasing madness, like seeing a gray hair or a wrinkle as a sign of old age, its just natural for me.

Around this time, I had cracked open my old Larry Norman tapes, not to get spiritual but just because I had his songs swirling around in my head, mostly off In Another Land. Then it was on to Kieth Green and even Petra. It was nice to listen to familiar melodies even if still had some disdain for that period in my life. There were others bands too, but it was a song by Big Tent Revival, one that barely clung to my memory, that caused me the most angst.

The title of the song was "Famine or Feast" and recalls the singer's faith in the face of financial struggles. In the second verse he says, "My best friend's a doctor, how he has been blessed, drives a new Mercedes and always has the best." From the first time I heard it again, I immediately thought of Jeremy. I could picture him saying that of me, I am going for my Ph.D. (thus the doctor reference) and have taken to purchasing more high quality merchandise like Fender guitars and Stickley desks (thus the always has the best reference). Even as I write this now, my eyes are welling up because I can hear him say this in the same joyful way as the singer of the song, no ill feeling, no jealously, just a genuine happiness that a brother has at the sight of his siblings success. But where did it leave me? Obviously I don't always have the best or else I wouldn't writing this.

I still haven't responded to Rev. Linda's email. I did purchase one of the books she suggested but I have no compulsion to move any further. Perhaps my visit to the church was enough to placate my sense of meaninglessness, as if I was able to reassure myself that, yes, I am doing something...standing in circles.